Funny Quotes

There are a lot of classic quotes out there that can make anyone crack a smile. But the ones we are going to be looking at are the ones that have a more funny side to them. If used at the right time and during the right conversation they will help you be the life of the party. Or they will help you piss off the kind of people you don't like. To us that seems like a win, win situation so why not have a look at our collection of funny quotes that we’ve selected online from various sources. If they make you laugh that’s a plus and if they won’t we are sure you can use them to annoy your pals.

Here are some of the funny quotes we’ve selected from the vast sea of funny quotes available online.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

One might be laughing now but do consider the possibility. This is, in fact, a very real possibility and a perfect joke to be used a comeback to anyone you want to annoy or if someone was just laughing at you. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand this one but that is the beauty of it.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

People underestimate the level of commitment that it takes to be a lazy individual. Not a lot of people can pull it off with much success. Not only do you have to stay extremely still, but you also have to listen and ignore all the people in your life telling you to change and become more active. Does that sound like an easy task to you? Yeah, we didn't think so.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

Well why not, we are already at two why not go for the third one and see what happens. We haven’t seen what happens. Usually, we always stop at the two, even with the fool me thing we go for the two. Well, next time you go for that extra mile. Don't let anyone hold you back.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.

Go on, think about it for a second and you will come to realize that the only people that do get away with taking loans and not get a huge payment stuck to them for years to come are people that don't need the money from the banks, to begin with.

You’re live can’t fall apart if you never had it together!

So take that to heart kids, it’s not; “if you can’t succeed try, try again.” But rather you can’t fail if you don’t even try. Now that is a moto that one can get behind, am I right people?

    Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Yep, just like your father and mother and sister. And all the neighbors, and their parents and siblings. Also your teachers, anyone that you see down the street. The hobo, the mailman, the doctor, and pretty much anyone with and even without a pulse.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Extra points if you can aim and hit the balls. 100% sure fire way to get rid of almost 99.9% of males. And if you are dealing with women, well there are ways to deal with them as well.

If you can’t reach it you don’t need it.

And that is enough said as we are not finding it within our reach to go into much detail on this quote. So, you’re gonna have to make due.

It’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit anymore.

Well, there is nothing like wakeup call when you decide to take out the fat pants only to realize that you already had them on a month ago.

I can’t sleep well when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge.

Another reason why I love my food, even if it is freezing it will always find its way back to us. It won’t leave us and we will never let go.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

And the key word here is “another city.” Did you get it? It’s because it sucks to have the family over. They always nag and never any fun…get it?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It's almost like they care more about their outward appearance than their comfort, sleep, and wellbeing or something crazy like that.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

So, where are my fatties at? Papa needs to shred a couple of pounds if you catch my drift.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

What you say to piss someone off as soon as your mouth closes. Go on, try it and a slight disclaimer don’t do this if you can’t run fast or defend yourself.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

Hey! He’s right! The heck are all you people doing here? Get to work damn it! We aren’t the only ones that have a responsibility.